I crave adventure. Seeing something new and different. Being witness to extraordinary places and people. Sitting in a car with the people or person you love to death. Receive that look of love lust or pure happiness that they’re able to obtain a nee experience with you. That instant second you grab their shoulder when you begin to slip on a rock, on your way to a secret waterfall. That’s what I crave. New different and extraordinary experiences life has to offer. Something new something different. The beauty of the world is at your hands.

Sometimes I wake up with anger against you. And I don’t know why. Then I realize it’s because it wasn’t me you chose. It will never be. And as sad as it is, deep deep deep down inside. I’m a little happy. Because I’ve finally seen the real you. And your nothing worth crying over. To the left to the left..

Nobody will ever realize your personal struggle. Whether its a physical, mental, or emotional struggle. But people’s understanding is not necessary. Of corse the eye rolling, the irritated exhales and personal attacks at times seem to make things worse. Keeping up hope, positivity, and high spirits are incredibly necessary to keep yourself sane. Because your not a victim, your a survivor. Others may not see it, but their views shouldn’t matter. People will always do what pleases them, even if it may displease you known or unknown to them. Life as a young adult is incredibly stressful, confusing, and overwhelming to the point where I need 5 minutes to break Down and let it all out. But in the end I don’t ever believe anyone could do a better job at being my own friend than me. Nobody. Nobody will have my back as much as I will have my own. Nobody. Friends backstab you, walk out, and desert you. Family breaks apart, walks out, and also take advantage of a relation of blood. But you won’t leave yourself. You won’t stop loving yourself. You will never allow yourself to be alone. I’m so tired of wondering if someone’s mad at me, I’m tired of worrying if I’m good enough. I am. I am worth a lot more than how people treat me. I deserve a life a lot better than the one I was given. I will always remember to not stop loving others, because my generation is extremely selfish, but that gives me me no right to also be that way. Life is beautiful if we believe we also are.

call me a hater…

but do you really need all that shit on a case? you know its bad when you need a case for your case.

Today has been a good one. These past few days I’ve just decided to squash dumb shit, disliking a person takes a lot more energy than actually liking them. I’ve realized that life is a journey and just because I’ve hit some potholes doesn’t mean shuts hit the fan, and I have to remember that. I’m done dealing with people who don’t seem to care, now I’m just focusing on me. Oh the only thing that sucks is that I’ve locked my keys in my car -.- but the plus side is my moms boyfriend is a tow truck driver so I got the slim Jim hookup :)

today was my breakthrough, it felt so incredibly horrible. i havent felt so low in awhile. but its something i needed, i feel like im so incredibly vulnerable even right now but at the same time i need to remember that I really need this. i cant go around pushing away and ignoring these feelings. im really angry with alot of people right now, and now im glad that im fine with it. I dont always have to be friends with everyone, im realizing aot of things lately. and im proud of myself because for once Im not running asking someone to feel sorry for me and solve my personal issues. Im solving them on my own. sometimes life throws issues and people at you, and its up to you to move past them, nobody else, not even life, only you can truly solve these issues. and this is what my life has taught me, no matter how bad things will always suck, you will always have the power within yourself to defeat your obstacles.

on a side note im really glad i have a tumblr, this has become more than just a place to find sick pics, its a place for me to really say how i feel. ive never been good at keeping a journal or anything like that so this has definitely been a positive attribute to what tumblr is. yeah i maybe post stuff thats too personal, but its cool. because its called richarizard.tumblr.com my url which leads to my tumblr. so i could basically post whatever the fuck i want. take it however you see it.

im not afraid to say it, im a virgin. Im 18 years old and ive never been in a serious relationship thats lasted longer than a month. Do i have the desire to lose my virginity or be in a relationship? not really. like I say to all my friends, i jack off thats good enough for me. I dont constantly think about hoes and pussy. thats just not me. I dont constantly have to be in a relationship. I dont need someone elses love to feel better about myself. I mean it would be fucking amazing to have someone to love in my life, but it isn’t something that I will ever cry over or beg god for. But I think the saddest part of all this, is that I really dont care, yet society is forcing me to care. I dont care about having sex with random people, I choose not to because I personally think thats wrong. on both sides. For me I couldnt just have sex with a random girl and forget about it, I was raised by my mom, and my mom taught me to never treat a women with disrespect. Sex should be based off of love and trust, and you can’t build that with some anon hoe. Girls always rant abut how guys just care about sex, but in my position I have yet to meet a girl who doesn’t care about sex. Who is a virgin and doesnt talk about wanting to lose it. Now thats fucking sad. 

I prefer a good girl, someone who just wants to have good times and good laughs. is that so hard? apparently so.

in the past two weeks ive learned that acquaintances aren’t worth shit. things change, people change. but when the tough parts come. thats when you really know who is there. its the people that make you feel loved when your all alone that will always be there. im starting to learn to stop caring about people, because some just aren’t worth my time. memories will always be golden, but the present is about being present. and if you aren’t then sorry, good luck.

i find it annoying because i know the context that i use it in.

them:hey wanna go and key your bosses car?

me: i guess…

translation-(why the fuck would i wanna loose my job by keying my own boss’s car, are you fucking stupid?)

thats how i see it. currently a friend asked me to go with them somewhere at a certain time. and when they texted me i happily said, “yeah did you still wanna go?” and i recieved a text back saying, “i guess, are you ready?” like nigga wtf? your the one who invited me and asked me to go, dont act like im being an inconvenience to you. thats the shit im talking about. i guess im not gunna go and your ass can be guessing why your by yourself all damn day. maybe then youll know the right answer and you can stop guessing.

those are usually the first guys to call a girl out for being ugly or having a nice rack. if you think all girls are actually beautiful then you shouldnt need to take a picture with a sign that says it. if you want reblogs/followers then find another way. lol tell them. or at least practice what you preach. c’mon fellas, are you fuckin forreal?

man i can feel the fever burning my eyelids. why the fuck did I offer to take a 9am shift. especially when I got off at 1 the night before. fuck……..and my knot on my back will neverr go away. damn, shit blows.

someone just give me a shot of patron, please.

if im gunna feel like shit id wather be fucked up at the same time.

ps-eliana mendoza if your reading this, thanks for not hanging out with me tonight -.-

damn today is just one of those days where i cant stop myself from complaining about everything. haha so i just decided that ill write an extremely long post about everything.

So lets start off with the beginning. Your a asshole, and you always will be one. I know things will never change. Your even starting to make me look bad, thanks.

And then at Panera, I sat down and ate my McNuggets while sippin on my dp and this nigga just kept staring. I just stared back to make an awkward moment and he just looked down. Its like, nigga yes im eating McDonalds at Panera Bread. No i didn’t buy anything from here. Get on my level. Oh yeah, he was sitting in my spot too. Ready to slap a fool to Sprouts.

So THEN…. I realize that paneras internet is sow as fuck yet faster than mine. that shits sad.

So i read over my essay guidelines and I have to have 2 non internet sources. great.so i mobilize and send my ass to the sunnyvale library.

@the sunnyvale library it smells like baby ass, homeless people, and old books. perfect.

so i find my books after an asian women had to teach me how to use the catalog (i havent been to the library since sophomore year) because of all my fines. i never renewed my card.

YOLO. i sat my ass down with my books to finish my essay and then the worst thing happened….i had to poop.

so currently im still in need of pooping. but im scared because i dont want to pay my fines yet i need the books.

Then ON TOP OF ALL THAT. im texting this bitch asking if their going to drake and instead of getting “yeah are you?”. all i got was “ummm are you?” I was like wtf? First of all I really dont like when people text me with the phrase “ummmm..” it pisses me off hard. Like, Bitch. Dont get a texting atitude with me. and when i say maybe all i get is. “no im not going anymore.” because all of a suddennnn, im going so your not. muthufucka how old are you? hahahahaha you=biggest fukin joke

AND TO TOP EVEN THAT OFF. Ive barely done shit for this essay, History 4B could kiss my ass, Western Feudal Europe can kiss my ass, Eleanor of Aquatine can lick my balls, and I probably wont go to school tommorrow because of this shit.

DEUCES.

am i really getting a $900 tax return? i think im about to cry……thats more than i make in a paycheck ^_^

i feel like friendships are funny. one moment when someone is all alone, theyre down to hangout with you, talk to you, and just be with you all the time like family. but the moment you can be replaced. you are. I dont know. I have always been willing to do anything for a friend, no questions asked. no matter what it is, i will always treat a friend like they are family, ill continuously be there for them 100%. I have even made the mistake of being there for my friends even more than for my family. if a friend were to ask me for anything i would do it. but theres moments like this, when i  wonder if all that was worth it. every year i say im not going to let people walk over me anymore, but i dont. i honestly dont know what to do anymore.

I want to move away right now, away from everyone. just to a place where I dont know nobody. because it would be exactly how it is now. i would, to this moment, do anything for any of my “friends” just so I would know that they would never feel this feeling that I feel right now. because it would kill me to know that any of them felt this way. I just wish they would do the same for me. Im so incredibly fucking tired of worrying about everyone and making sure everyone is happy and is alright with everyone. because in the end i always get fucked over and forgotten. i wish i could say that this wont happen again. but i know it will. I dont have the heart to say no or to turn my back on somebody that I care about.

this post just happens to be extra long because its something that been heavy on my mind and i feel like this is the most real ive been. I try not to “complain” about stuff often, although I know I do. but honestly for once, I just desperately want a friend who wont fuck me over, who wont desert me once everything is alright, who wont turn their back on me, who wont be too busy when i have a problem. i just want someone to be the real brother or sister that I never really had. me and my siblings have never been close. at times i feel like we are, but in the end i know its fake. i look for sibling relationships in friends and treat them like family.

i just hate always having this feeling right now. all this is just making more certain about a decision that has been lingering in my mind for the past couple of months. my friendships seemed to be the only thing that were going smooth, but nothing is left for me here. So, Im moving to my dads house after this quarter, because i cant take this pain anymore.

2011 was probably one of the worst years of my life. It was just one of those years where everything wrong, happened.everything collapsed. i failed. and i lost.

2012 will not be that way. by the time 2013 comes around, ill be writing about how the year was victorious. im excited for change, im ready to embrace it. im finaly done with the negativity.

although 2011 may have been the worst, ill allow 2012 to be the best.